Pinkladybug’s Weblog

how are ya? i hope you are well.. i just wanted to ask you something.

 

the other day, i kind of went off on [PRG]. i don’t know if it was because i am under lots of stress with my job but she really upset me. i told her about a great thing that happened to me at work and she didnt say anything like “congrats” or “awesome”.. instead, she said pointed out something negative. i guess it really bothered me because she has always done this whenever i have anything good in my life happen.. i feel like i am constantly supporting her and encouraging her but i have NEVER felt the same from her. like after i had my baby, she never said “congrats” or complemented my child.. instead she told me how fat i was.

 

i went off on her the other day and i feel bad because i know she is in a really shitty place in her life. even though i feel she makes one mistake after another (and burns bridge after bridge) i still ALWAYS comfort her and offer an ear. she sent me a text with suicidal undertones last night and i am worried about her, but i don’[t want to talk to her anymore (or at least for a few months). i need a break from her.. she takes me for granted and right now, i need positive people in my life. i guess what i am trying to ask is, do you think she is ok? i know you guys live together and you would be the first to know if she hurt herself. i just have such a hard time telling if she is serious or not. every week i get a call about how she is suicidal and then we talk for an hour.. she says she will get help but then later on that night i will call and check on her and she acts like nothing ever happend.. or she will be out at a bar or something. she has cried wolf so many times, i just don't know with her. could you let me know if she is doing ok?  thank you!!!!
[Chemical Geisha]      

I’m feeling the same way. My landlord said she had to go b/c there were complaints about her actin a fool. And if he gets more complaints, I’m out of an apartment. If she had laid low, he would never even have known she was there. She’s been crashing at her mom’s for the last 2 weeks or so. I told her my landlord said she could come back to get her stuff until Sunday 6/28 and she disappeared to Joplin for “family issues,” then I got us another week and she just came over and slept and ate andwatched cartoons all weekend and didn’t do shit, now she’s making every excuse she can think of andI’m really sick of it. When I finally put my foot down, she pulled the melodrama with me too. I don’t know what to think. Actually, I think she probably needs to go for a visit to the psych unit for more than 3 days. I think they let her out way too soon last time. I also think she needs to take all her meds as prescribed, stop taking everyone else’s meds, and stop drinking, and I don’t think she’s going to get better unless she gets serious about that. She replied to my texts this morning, so I know she hasn’t done anything too serious. I guess let’s just try to keep each other posted. How are you doing, other than all that? And congrats on stuff at work

 

[me]

yea.. when she said she was going to be your room-mate, i was like “poor, poor [ladybug]

 

thank you so much for your email.. i will keep in touch with you but honestly, i am done with [PRG]. i don’t need any negativity in my life andto tell you the truth, i don’t think she is a very good person anymore.

 

we are off to my first camping trip.. ttys

I just read that you guys are really putting the house on the market soon. Really moving. Quite possibly far away. And so soon. I guess the best I can do is to give you the words of a very smart and beautiful lady I know…

“I will do what I can to help [them] in [their] endeavors. Even if it does mean that [they] would be leaving and going to [insert destination] for good. Will I miss [them]? Of course. Will I be sad to see [them] go? Absolutely. More than I could put into words. But […] if it makes [them] happy then I’ll be right there packing [their] bags with [them]. Crying of course since I’m hardly a robot but [...]“

 but I want them to do what is right for them and for their family.

 All my love,

Your Lady Bug

Aw Sweetie, there are no definite plans.  I don’t think we’re going to Canada right away, we may move to Ballwin because schools are better but I don’t think [Wolf] is quite ready to go to Canada.  He talks the good talk but we’ve been talkin’ for over four years!  I’m sure Canada would take you too if they will take us, you’re a quick study, we can all learn French together!  Seriously, better standard of living, a generally more liberal view on everything, legalized pot, it’s not a bad way to go!  :)  I don’t want to leave you.  I think that [Wolf] is looking for a change in life.  This [Soldier Boy] thing is a mess and sometimes it’s hard not to dream about starting over without the complications.  The truth is, we need a bigger house.  That’s what we’re looking for, if it happens to be someplace pretty and appealing then even better.  There’s a lot that has to happen before we start crossing borders.  Please don’t worry.  I promise we’re not going to just up and disappear!  We love you, we care about you, and we need to sit and cuddle and talk for a while.  Sound like a plan?  I’m sorry the post upset you, it really wasn’t meant to.  It’s just exciting to think that we can get a place, that’s all he meant.     

 [Sister] is back with [Little Boy 2].  I’ll continue this when I can!

All of my love too!

 [Raven] Raven

Wolf sent this response:

I wouldn’t worry too much, with the market the way it is we’ll probably be in the house for at least another year.  You haven’t lost us yet ;).  Besides, the most likely move will just be a little further away in St. Louis, since it’s going to be hard to find a job with the market the way it is somewhere else. Don’t be sad!  There’s still plenty of time to hang out and be all sweaty and stuffs

XOXO - [Wolf]

 

I did it. Last night. I called PRG. I told her that my landlord said that there were more complaints. He didn’t go into detail when I asked him; said it was a waste of time. That he asked around after he received the complaints, found out her car was always there and she was seen there a lot. Knows she was staying there. Wanted her gone, always, permanently, even as a visitor. Said she could show up there until this weekend to get any stuff she might have, but after that she’s not to be seen there again. That this is my 2nd strike, next time I’m out.

She took it better than I thought. But she actually had the nerve to ask me if she could store all her shit there and ask my landlord if she could come and get it at a later date. I was like, dude, I am not gonna mess with him. Did you not catch the whole 2nd of 3 strikes thing? I am already in deep shit here. That made me really angry and helped me feel less guilty about a) putting her out and b) lying to her. I felt so shitty. I am mad at her and I want her gone, but I still care about her. It sucks that I had to lie to her, but I would rather do that than face her vengeful behavior.

Later she called and told me that her mom agreed to let her come back there since she’s in school and doing work-study. That’s two places she’s gotten herself kicked out of for actin’ a fool in the last two months. You’d think it would be an eye-opener. Guess not. I’ll just have to use one of my favorite lines from Girl, Interrupted: “Good luck, crazy bitch.”

J is having roommate problems too and is pretty much staying with me now. Don’t know what to think about that one. He’s a sweet guy. We have fun. But I don’t really want more than that with him, and I’ve told him that, but I don’t think he really gets it. And his sex drive is much lower than mine. If there’s a hot guy in my bed, I’m gonna be worked up. I just am. It’s like when you’re dieting, you think about junk food, but you don’t have to have it… but if there’s a cheesecake right there in the fridge… well… all you can think about is cheesecake. And we get along pretty well, but we’re really different in a lot of fundamental ways. I like hanging out with him, drinking & getting high with him, having sex with him, even cuddling with him, but… we don’t have that special something. The something that I felt almost explosively the second that I met Wolf and came to have so quickly with Raven. I think maybe back when we were kids it could’ve been like that. But he’s just fallen through the cracks since then. He’s done a few too many drugs. He’s a little burnt out. And it’s such a shame, b/c he could’ve had such a bright future. His dad is a really cool progressive guy in California. His mom lives in a million dollar home in Kirkwood and is active in the community and politics. His cousin is a former Miss New Zealand. He’s traveled to so many beautiful and exotic places. It makes me want to mourn for the loss of the man he could’ve been, and still maybe could be if he really buckled down and got his shit together. I don’t see that happening. Although he does listen to NPR. I guess there’s hope. And he writes the worst poetry ever. EVER. I thought my writing was bad, but… wow. I read it and just wanted to pat him on the back and be like “Well, it’s cute that you tried.” Well… enough about J. He’s fun to be with and he walks my dog and he can stay with me for awhile.

Anyway… looking forward to party night at Wolf & Raven’s Friday. And PrideFest this weekend. Woo-hoo!

He & I started talking. I told him maybe we shouldn’t see each other any more. He was already being put between me & PRG and I didn’t want to do that to him. I had a feeling things were going to be ending between me & PRG and I don’t care if he stays friends with her, but I know she won’t let things go down like that. Things are going to be ugly. She’s going to get vindictive. He may have known her about as long as me, but I know her deeper. He argued that he was a big boy and wouldn’t let anyone tell him what to do. I was like, “I know. It’s not about that. It’s about you probably being forced to choose and if you choose wrong, her doing anything she can to hurt you.” I still don’t think he gets it. But right about then the “Ow!” started again. I went out there again. She had fallen down again. This time right in front of the stairs. I could see that going badly.

PRG: “Who the fuck are you?”

me: “[PRG], you’re drunk. Really drunk. It’s late and you’re being loud. I have asked you about 7 times to quiet down. You need to stop now.”

PRG: “No, you’ve asked me twice.”

me: “No, it’s been a hell of a lot more than that.”

PRG (insitantly): “NO, YOU’VE ONLY TOLD ME TWICE.”

me: “I’m not going to argue with you. It’s late. You’re loud. If you get the cops called tonight, very bad things will happen. You need to pass out now.”

PRG: (starts crying) “I just wanna spend time with you.”

me: “If you wanted to spend time with me, maybe you should’ve come along when I invited you Friday or maybe not disappeared to Columbia. But right now, it’s late, we both have to work in the morning, and it is time for you to pass out.”

I had to manhandle her into the bed. She was crying and mumbling something about being alone. Whatever, crazy bitch. I know that’s cold, that’s just where I was last night.

When I got back to my room, Jameson was crying. Sigh. He told me he really liked me and liked spending time with me but if I wanted him to leave he would. I held him and told him I really liked him too. I just didn’t want to tangle him up any further in our bullshit. I know he’s got enough of that going on himself. He started coming on to me. I was so not in the mood, but I knew he needed me. So we made love. In the middle of it this great storm started, and that made it even better. Although at one point it was a little much because the lighting hit so close that all the car alarms on my block went off. We cuddled and talked afterwards. He asked me if I was his girlfriend or just a fuckbuddy, and said I didn’t feel like a fuckbuddy. I was like, “Are those my only options? Cuz I’m not really seeking a boyfriend. Especially not an exclusive one. And I don’t like labels. I care about you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

J:”I know you do. You’ve helped me out a lot, and a fuckbuddy wouldn’t do that. I care about you a lot. I love the time that we spend together. I love being here with you. I feel safe here, or at least I do when all her bullshit isn’t going on.”

me:”I know. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with her.”

J:”No, it’s not your fault. I’ve been her friend for a really long time.”

me:”I know, but you’ve never had to do the dirty work of being one of the people she’s designated as her supporter.”

He talked a little more, cuddled a little more. This morning we had a minor tiff. About sex. He wanted me to go down on him and I started to and it was fun and I really liked it, but my throat was feeling really sore and I was getting excited, which I generally do when I’m pleasuring someone, so I asked him if he wanted me. And he got upset. He was like, “Nevermind, just forget it.”

me: “What? OMG, what is the problem? I was having fun.”

J: “I just didn’t know it was like that.”

me: “Like what? [J], like what? Please talk to me.”

J: “I just didn’t realize I had to get you off in order to get off.”

me: “You don’t. I like pleasuring you. A lot. So much in fact that it makes me hot. Plus my throat’s a little sore.”

J: “OK. I’m sorry. I’m just a little cranky in the mornings. Will you please call me at lunch today?”

me: “If I take a lunch today. I just took a few minutes to warm up leftover Cecil Whittaker’s and call [Raven] yesterday.”

I woke PRG up and was like, “You might wanna get up and haul ass or call work cuz you’re supposed to be there in like 25 minutes.”

And I walked out the door.

I just got a text from her saying she’s at the psych hospital. I have no idea if she’s checking in or not, but I’m assuming she’s lost her workstudy job. She’s calling now. I’m not picking up.

What I expected to find when I came home:

• PRG sleeping because she took like half a dozen Xanax earlier.
• Jameson playing internet poker or watching Easy Rider again.

What I found when I got home:

• a trail going up my front steps… an empty pack of Camel cigarettes… a spilled glass of what seems to have been Wild Cherry Pepsi with cherry vodka… my dog’s leash… and finally a bloody needle
• my door unlocked
• no one home

I just want all the shit to stop. Is that really too much to ask?

Yeah, I haven’t blogged in awhile. I guess I’ve been keeping with the philosophy of “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” In which case, I’ve got nothin’.

I’m taking a Monday-Wednesday class this summer: Managerial Accounting, what fun.

Working lots and lots of overtime. One of our 6 clerks just got a promotion and I took on half of her workload. Another is on vacation and I’m doing her work too. They don’t pay me enough for this shit.

Broker than broke, even with all the overtime. It seems like every time I think I’ve got things taken care of and I get into a good routine with the bills, something else pops up. Really can’t afford the car payment and insurance on the new car. Shouldn’t have bought it, but didn’t really see any other options at the time.

Sooooo ready to kick PRG out. She’s been a complete bitch. She hasn’t been making much of a contribution. She’s like a really vulgar baby; all she does is eat, sleep, poop, fuck random guys, mutilate herself, bitch at me, and put her stuff all over my apartment. And she wants to start turning tricks in my living room. She was really helpful there for awhile. Which I didn’t trust even as it was happening b/c I’ve known her long enough to know that if she’s being that nice to you, she will find a way to make you pay for it later. This is why I didn’t want to get close to her again. I won’t even get into the two huge fights we had this week. No more, please, no more.

And my lungs hurt from having smokers spend so much time in my apartment. No, they don’t smoke in my apartment. Just bringing it in on them and their stuff is enough to do it. I haven’t even been getting high, but I feel like I’ve been killing off an 8th every night. My singing sux right now, which makes me even more depressed b/c we finally found a great smoke-free place to do karaoke. I really wanted to work on some new songs, but I sound like shit and I’ve been having trouble getting through a whole song w/o stopping to have a coughing fit.

I really like my new boy toy (shall we call him Jameson?). But I might be breaking things off with him. PRG just introduced us about a month ago and he’s known her about as long as I have. I don’t want him to get stuck in the middle of the knock-down drag-out that I can smell on the air. And I don’t know if it would really work anyway. He’s soooooo vanilla. We’ve been having sex for 3 or 4 weeks and he just went down on me for the first time last night (although he’s really good at it). And he stayed over all weekend and wouldn’t fuck me b/c I was on my period. He practically faints at the sight of blood (not good with my vampire fetish). And I think anytime now he’s going to try to pull the monogamy card. He’s OK with Wolf & Raven cuz they were here first, but he’s made it clear that he is not a Monday/Wednesday/Friday kind of guy- he only does things 100%. Which is kinda fucked up b/c before I even made a move PRG told him that I liked him and that I was just getting out of a marriage with an 8-yr relationship and that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just FWB.

I miss my Wolf and my Raven and all thier kiddos and the rat and the puppy. I’ve been behind on reading Raven’s blog b/c I’m never home and I haven’t really been playing online at work. I love reading her thoughts and knowing how she’s feeling. The whole Soldier Boy thing perplexes me, but I just want them to be happy. Wolf stopped blogging b/c he’s too introverted. I really wish I could get inside his head. I care about him so much and I know he knows it, I just don’t know whether a) he doesn’t want me to or b) he just doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Last night I went with PRG, Emo Chick, and Burnout Chick to PRG’s mechanic friend’s house. He took a look at my car and let us know what it needed. Us four chicks took Emo Chick’s car to Auto Zone and bought rear brakes, spark plugs, and Perfectly Peachy air freshener (found out this morning I am allergic to the damn air freshener). We hung out and acted stupid while my car got fixed b/c our mechanic lives on a busy street where people just don’t give a shit. We waved at people. We sang. Emo Chick took a brief nap on her car at one point. We yelled at people who thought that the stop sign was a stoptional sign. Then when we were getting ready to leave, Emo Chick totally blew my mind. We were just sitting there talking about grabbing some fast food and she was like “Can I eat your pussy later this week?” I thought Burnout Chick’s jaw was gonna hit the floor. She’s bi, so that doesn’t freak her out, but she thought Emo Chick was straight, as did the rest of us until the Mushroomhead concert when she made out with these 2 chicks we met in the mosh pit. As long-time readers will know, I had a crush on Emo Chick when I met her a few months ago, but I found out from several people and her MySpace profile that she was strictly straight. So anyway, that was a bit of a shock, and she just flat out asked with nothing leading up to it, LOL. Woa! I haven’t answered her yet, except to let her know that I was still on the rag. I was hoping that would be gone by now. It’s almost over, but I was hoping to be completely free of it for a couple days before my date Saturday. I never promise sex on a first date, but I am sooooo getting laid Saturday night. I can’t wait to meet my Oi Boi. I was up talking to him until after 3:00 this morning, LOL.

Tonight I am seeing Tsunami for the last time before he moves to Texas. I was cryin’ on the phone with him last night. I’m tryin’ hard not to cry at work right now. I want him to be happy, but I would be a lot happier if they would live here. Fireman was talking about taking early retirement and moving up here at one point, but I don’t know what happened to those plans. I know Tsunami loved staying down in Texas over Spring break. He said the city Fireman lives in is really surprisingly liberal and that the gay bars are more out in the open than they are here, right on the strip with the straight bars, and no one’s cautious about being seen going into them. And it’s always nice weather down there. He enjoys the heat. Sigh. Like I said, I just hope he’s happy.

Tomorrow PRG is being nice enough to trade cars w/ me (She cleaned hers out last night and hasn’t smoked in it. She even washed the seat covers.) and take my car to get inspected and plated. Huge help; I totally owe her. I’m buying her tix to Tiger Army and Rancid at Pops. I’m pissed; I think the Hank III show was canceled.

Tomorrow night I’m having PRG and I dunno who else over (I’m guessing Burnout Chick and Emo Chick. Wanna come, Raven?) for pizza, cookie dough, and a mani-pedi circle jerk. I need to shave Fri night or Sat and then I’m planning on a lovely bath with a bath bomb (PRG’s best friend is starting a little company that makes some awesome ones; I’d love to plug it here, but then you would know too much and I’d have to kill you) Saturday morning so I’ll feel (and smell) yummy head to toe for my date.

Saturday I have a Stampin’ Up party at a former co-worker’s house at 2:00 (Raven, you’re also invited to that if you feel like trekking all the way to Belleville, IL with me). I am meeting Oi Boi around 6:30 at Starfucks at the mall to peoplewatch and be goofy and then we’re going back to his place. I have no idea what to wear. I need to do laundry. Shit, I also need to burn some MP3 CDs. Oi Boi & I are exchanging some music.

I’ve been talking with this guy (for now let’s call him… Oi Boi) on AFF and I really, really like him. We think we may have been separated at birth, LOL. He’s into a lot of the same music I am (he has actually seen The Queers live multiple times, OMG) and we both have a borderline obsession with our 80s cartoons and toys. We both still have our Voltron sets. He rides a motorcycle. He has tattoos. He’s got great eyes. He’s intelligent and very sarcastic. I have a date with him on Saturday. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

I met with my landlord after work yesterday. He said that he has been meaning to talk to me on a weekend when we were both at the building, but that after last night he didn’t want to wait that long. Apparently he & the downstairs cunt have both been noticing that PRG is there a lot and they said they never see me. I said well, she is my dogwalker when I I have to be gone too long for the puppy, which is a lot between school and work. And that when my friends are here, they go out a lot to smoke. When I’m home, I’m generally sitting quietly in my room, surfing the net, studying, or watching TV shows or movies on my computer. I also told him that yes, the neighbor has seen me, because every time she’s going to her car or coming back from a walk/jog when I’m walking puppy, I say hi to her, but she usually barely acknowledges me and doesn’t even make eye contact. I also told him I didn’t appreciate her spying on me & my friends and photographing us. And that if we were making too much noise, I was very sorry. It’s not the norm by any means; I’m normally in bed around then. And she could’ve just said “hey, shut up” and we would’ve. No big deal. But that I was really pissed about her calling the cops for such little noise, especially so early in the night. He said he would talk to her about that stuff.

But  apparently there was even more going on than I realized and there were several complaints made to the neighborhood association about PRG & various people making scenes in front of my building. One day they were climbing on top of Emo Chick’s car and making fools of themselves. Which I see as harmless fun, but she shouldn’t have been doing it right in front of my building. That’s shit you do somewhere you don’t know anyone and then you leave. Like the parking garage at the Galleria (ah, to be 17 again). And another complaint was that she was flashing the neighbors. I knew she would deny it, but I know damn well she did it. She’s always doing shit like that. She sees no problem as long as she has a bra on. I just thought I had made it very clear to her to be on her best behavior b/c my landlord was already considering it a stretch just letting me have the dog there, which he only allowed b/c I have such a good, quiet dog. I told her that he stressed to me that it is a QUIET building.

So she knows she can’t stay there any more. She was in a bad state last night, but she seems to be doing better today. We’re about to do lunch at El Maguey.

Huge thanks and hugs to my Raven for being here for me. I love you!!!

A day or several ago PRG noticed that my downstairs neighbor was peeking through her blinds at us while we walked my dog and even snapping photos. I wasn’t sure I even believed it, it was so weird. I though maybe PRG was just being paranoid. Then last night I had a few people over (me, PRG, Raven, Emo Chick, and… fuck it, just call him Chiclet) and we were talking & laughing although it was about to turn 10:00. I normally pester my guests to keep it down after 9:00. Anyway, a couple minutes after 10:00 my doorbell rings and that’s followed by a loud knock. It’s the police. Someone called about noise. We didn’t have any music going or anything. No TV. No fighting and screaming. Just us, talking and laughing. And had she just asked us to keep it down, we gladly would have. Calling the police was totally rude and unnecessary. I planned on talking to her after work tonight. But a little while ago I got this email from my landlord:

Subject: URGENT

[LADY BUG],

WE NEED TO TALK. I WOULD LIKE TO MEET WITH YOU THIS EVENING. WILL YOU BE HOME AROUND 4:45 – 5:00 P.M.?

[LANDLORD]

I replied telling him that I would not be home from work yet and that I didn’t appreciate my neighbor spying on & photographing me & my friends. I haven’t gotten into the whole thing about calling the police and the landlord behind my back instead of just talking to me. I am ready to baseball bat the cunt. Very unlike me, but she fucked with my friends, my freedom, and my living arrangements because she’s a fucking coward. If I didn’t live in the same building, I would totally publish her name & address. She deserves it.

Anwyay, I told PRG she needs to make my living room look like a living room (not her junky bedroom) again by 4:30 and be gone while my landlord is there.

Did I mention that I still haven’t finished my Microeconomics final?

God I am so close to a nervous breakdown.